"What's happening to our kids is narcissism unbound, punishments undelivered, violence obsessed media, irrational laws, love that is weak, and mental health professionals who have become little more than professional enablers."
I read this from a post on FaceBook. The post got many "likes." I read the quote. I reread the quote. I felt angry reading it. I decided to research this thoroughly from many different perspectives and statistics, using only well-known groups (such as American Psychological Association), and current, and up-coming studies in the field of psychology, childhood behavior, presenting my perspective on issues in the quote about which I disagree, based on the research, and my years of working with children (as a preschool teacher, Sunday School teacher, Youth Group leader, Elementary Group leader, volunteer work with children in the community, etc.)
I am not a psychologist. I am not a therapist. But I study very specifically to know current research in matters related to mental illness, child abuse, addiction, and other areas of psychology that interest me.
I was not and am not a perfect parent. In fact, because of no modeling of mothering, I did not even know where to begin. I immediately got two women mentors I admired, and allowed them to help shape my concept of parenting. Parenting is never perfect; when you look at another family who seems to swing from success to success, I guarantee you that you are not seeing the whole picture. You are seeing what they want to present. I accept that I was not a perfect parent, but also will tell you that when I learned I was not a "good" parent, I immediately began to work on changing that.
And let's just all admit it! Parenting is hard. It's exhausting, frustrating, and irritating. And why does it have to change with every stage the child goes through? It is a teeter-totter, careful balancing act. There is absolutely no one formula, or perfectly-written book that will work if you have more than one child. I have two. They were and still are as different as night and day. Guess what? They have their own struggles...which makes them exactly human, just like the rest of us. I made mistakes, missed some important details, and pushed them way too hard for perfection when they were tiny. I regret that. I have apologized. They deny any knowledge of my bad parenting; every child needs an "ideal" mom.
I promise you, if you are reading this, there is no such thing as perfection in parenting. It is absolutely a "learn as you go" process. So if you are already chalking yourself as a failure at parenting, join the crowd of billions around the world.
So, let's get to it now that you know I am not a psychologist, or perfect parent. If you go to Amazon.com and look up "Raising a Non-Violent Child," by John Rosemond, you will immediately see a quote by Amazon review. "Short in theory and long on the sort of practical, commonsense advice he's built his reputation on..."
I have a major problem, starting right there. A psychology book, short on theory. Not good. Every psychologist should have tremendous research backing up what they are writing. Even if it is a book directed toward a target group, such as parents, a good psychologist who publishes will always have statistics, quoted research from credible sources, and specific examples from case studies that help prove their thesis.
Let's focus on ADHD for a minute, and compare it to some other illnesses very difficult to diagnose. Just because it doesn't show up in a brain scan, and has to be diagnosed over a period of time, under the supervision of a psychologist who has experience the field, does NOT mean it is not a real illness. People with Bi-Polar are usually not given an official diagnosis for at least six months. Ten years ago, Bi-polar disease did not show up when medical scientists tried to find it in the brain. Today, there are actual pet-scans which show what a manic bi-polar brain looks like, what a depressed bi-polar brain looks like, and the research assisted in helping to realize this is a severe brain disorder. It is absolutely treatable with medications that correct chemical imbalances in the brain.
Fibromyalgia is another example of a disease, which is now accepted as real. When women first went to their doctors twenty years ago, complaining of all of the symptoms associated with it, they were rejected, accused of having mental problems, or being dramatic. The women felt a terrible stigma and shame. We now, thankfully, know this is a disease which acutely affects a person's life, leaving them in significant pain nearly all the time, and there is no cure. Just because it is extremely hard to diagnose does not mean it does not exist.
This same concept applies to ADHD. ADHD has been researched thoroughly, and is defined as being a problem with the brain. Rosemond blatantly disregards experts in the field, years of research, and the case studies of children on and off of medication, and the results. There are phenomenal publications available to parents who have children with this disease. I highly recommend ADDitude magazine. It is expensive and worth every penny.
And let's talk about children with ADD/ADHD. If you are on the forums available by joining ADDitude, you will read story after story about parents infuriated with the school system. Here is what happens. Teachers are not required to take special ed classes. (Those are add-ons for teachers who either care about special needs children, or want to receive a Master's degree.) The teachers in my district receive NO training about dealing with children who have ADHD. So let me tell you what happens to that child as soon as he/she starts school.
The teacher is frustrated because Sammy can't sit still, and be compliant like the other children in her classroom. The good card/bad card system used in the schools is immediately stigmatizing to the child who is different. It shames them every time they have to bring a note home to be signed. They become angry. They do not know why they can't sit still, why they act up, talk out of turn, etc. These are children! They rely on adults to help them process what is going on, and why, and then work through problem, using a very specific team approach with the parent and the school.
Because the teacher is frustrated, she begins to marginalize Sammy. She may not even be consciously aware of doing it. She is angry. Nothing is working. So now there is an adverse relationship with the student. Rather than referring Sammy for help by talking with the school system's psychologist, or going to the principal and getting guidance, the teacher labels him negatively. She does not recognize the need for immediate intervention, and has no concept that there are always "different learners" in her class. If she does not accept and learn to work with the child's disability, and expects the exact same compliance she receives from her better students in the class, she has immediately set the child up for failure.
Furthermore, although it is illegal, teachers may discuss the "problem child", warning other teachers of how horrible Sammy is. This immediately creates an environment of future stigmatization by other teachers Sammy may have, because they have been told he is a bad kid, impossible to deal with, and has real problems. Again, the child is labeled inappropriately, and unfairly by educated educators who should want to figure out how best to deal with each child. No teacher will do this perfectly. They get to have bad days like the rest of us. What they don't get to do is set the child up for failure, stigmatize him with inappropriate comments, and refuse to get help because they don't want to admit lack of ability. If you were one of the children who experienced this all the way through your entire public schooling, you will immediate identify with Sammy.
Rosemond's ignorant discounting ADHD as real is extremely damaging, especially to parents of children with ADHD, who are hoping to find answers to help their child. If they follow through on HIS advice, they will do significant damage to the child as well---punishing the child for things beyond the child's capabilities. If you suspect your child has ADHD, do NOT wait for your child to start school to get a diagnosis. Be prepared to know your child's legal rights, and expect to have fight the school district head-on to get the services they have to legally provide to help your child be a success.
I would not pick up this book, except to slap Rosemond on his head, and ask, "What the heck do you think you are doing? Don't you realize the damage you are doing?" And then I might pick it up once more, to slap him on his head again for good measure. Shame on him for adding to the marginalization of children, discounting a legitimate brain problem, and causing parents to handle their child incorrectly because of his advice. Children with ADHD do NOT become psychopaths. Do your research!
I will finish this blog with something I am following with great interest in the scientific field. Perhaps you have heard of a huge research project in the making. It is called Brain Mapping. You may google UCLA Brain Mapping, and read about it yourself. But I will give you a idea of what this looks like: the goal of brain mapping is to discover everything about the way the brain functions, and works/links together. The Pet scan lab, MRI lab, Neuro-imaging lab, and the Transcranial lab will be collecting data, doing research, and then compiling all the comparisons/notes/studies, hoping to have a completed "picture" of every part of the brain, how it functions, and discover much more about brain disorders, and the brain function in all parts of our health or disease. This is a huge undertaking, that began in the mid-'90's, but researchers, scientists, psychiatry, and the entire medical field are extremely optimistic they will discover much. I am too. I am not one who believes man's potential is to use 10% of his brain. I'll make it simple: I have no intention of accepting that limitation for myself. I believe the more I read, the more challenges I give myself, the physical risks I take, creativity, and on and on...I will get way past 10%. And it will benefit not just me, but all who are in relationship with me, because intelligence used well, has a phenomenal effect in people's lives.
The more that is learned about the brain (and we really know very little) is going to benefit Doctors, Psychiatrists, teachers, and have a trickle-down effect to parents, and their children.
I will finish by saying I have only addressed a very small part of what Rosemond has written. I intend to write several more blogs refuting this despicable, insulting quote, with excellent quotes from psychology students, a director of a therapy center focused on children, and family systems, and much more presented research.
I will be discussing appropriate discipline, based on statistics. I am going to write a blog on what "real" self-esteem is, and how to develop it in your child. I will discuss the value of therapy for children and parents (with a good child psychologist.) and specifically write about abused children and their outcome statistically.
My intention is to convince you to get real help if you do not know what to do as a parent. Help is available, it is life-saving, and transformational for an entire family system. Reading a book that wants us to believe we can go back to "Leave It to Beaver" years (by the way, you do know that family was totally fake, right?), correct all that is "wrong" with our child with one process, and which has no respect for real psychology, will do your family damage, and possibly ruin lives. Read this instead!
